I've always hated it when people talk
about childhood or the teenage years as this utopia of carefree,
responsibility-less playtime. “Oh, I miss the good old days when I
didn't have to worry about job security, taxes, rent...” they say
wistfully, gazing off into the distance, presumably imagining running
naked through a field of daises as a happy 9-year-old. But I've
always wanted to be older, wanted to have responsibilities and be
treated like I knew what I was talking about, wanted the freedom to
choose what to do with myself, to choose what to study and where to
travel and live by my own rules. I think I knew the word “patronize”
by the time I was 7 and would tell adults not to patronize me if they
crouched down and talked to me like... well, like one usually talks
to a 7-year-old. So I longed to be bigger, older, wiser and more
respected. (Not yet knowing, of course, that small blonde women have
trouble being listened to throughout their entire lives.)
In middle school I wanted nothing more
than to be out of middle school. A reasonable desire. I still would,
if I were there. Let's not linger on those years. In high school,
things were starting to look up, but I still wanted to get out –
away from my school, from home, from my state, my country even. I
wanted to see the world and be independent. I got my wish, in some
ways, by going abroad, though I wasn't given as much independence as
I had had in my parents' household. And now college. The fledgling
eagle stage, where I can leave the nest and fly, but still rely on my
parents and am not quite a “real adult”, whatever that means.
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| Fledgling eagles are ugly birds |
The things we worry about change as we
age. I'm happier now than I've ever been, and dHappiness/dt seems to
be a large positive number, at least as far as I know from t ≤
19. (For those of you who just cringed, that was indeed the first way
I thought of to say that happiness seems to increase over time.) That
being said, I can understand why people think that to be young is to
be carefree. Worrying about work, taxes, rent, insurance, etc. IS
really stressful sometimes, and people forget the different pressures
that they had when they were younger (figuring out social situations,
grades, parental expectations, different worries about the future
like college/student loans/asking that girl to prom, driver's tests,
etc etc). Maybe they forget because they blocked it out – I know I
blocked out large portions of my middle school experience! But
legitimately, the much patronized youth have no way of understanding
the different stresses their parents and other adults are under, and
that's what I think adults are trying to say when they claim that the
youth have it easy. They're trying to point out how much pressure
they themselves are under, and so they do that by belittling the
pressures of others. Just like how some people try to boost
themselves up socially by putting others down (not a recommended
strategy, by the way).
Slight tangent alert (it will all come
full-circle, I promise). Anxieties that keep you up at night aren't
always rational. Some of my brain's favorite things to do have at
various times included: 1) Worrying about the fact that I wouldn't
know right away if one of my close family members or friends died
while I'm lying there in bed, 2) Worrying about every single
conversation I've had during the day, and how I or the other
person(s) involved could have misinterpreted the things that were
said, 3) Worrying that there's something very important I needed to
do that day, that I forgot to do, 4) Worrying that my excessive
tendency to worry about things at night will keep me from getting
enough sleep, causing me to perform poorly in classes, sports, and
social events (talk about ironic), 5) Worrying about the future, and
what I want to be doing 5 years from now, and a great many more. I'm
going to go out on a limb and assume that other people also have this
experience from time to time, and that I'm not just exposing myself
as a horribly neurotic and anxious individual.
I had a very strange experience a few
nights ago which actually inspired me to write a little about this. I
couldn't sleep because I was thinking about my insurance, which I
have taken upon myself to be responsible for. Now that I'm
out-of-state and not on my parents' plan, I had to apply for
insurance (thanks, Obamacare!) with all the convoluted paperwork
involved, and it was generally not a fun experience, and one of those
things that makes adults complain about how easy kids have it. In any
case, it did actually work, so I should get my “Almost a Real
Adult” card in the mail any day now. But I was up worrying because
I realized I didn't actually know how it worked. If I got a spinal
injury playing frisbee and went to the hospital, which hospital
should I go to? Does it matter? Am I sure that all my paperwork is
good to go, and I wouldn't be stuck with some ridiculous $40k
hospital bill, because the US medical system is STUPID? Do I have
copays? Holy crap, there's so many things I don't know and that's
scary! (Don't worry, I have since taken it upon myself to find the
answers to all of these things.) Point is, insurance is never
something I would have stayed up thinking about a few years ago. So
yes, there is some validity to adults' complaints.
But that got me thinking. What did I
worry about in elementary, middle, or even high school that I don't
worry about now? What kept me up at night then? Easy enough to
answer: When you're very young, you worry about monsters in the
closet, or if you're morbid like me, you worried about what would
happen if Mommy and Daddy were killed by the monsters in the closet,
or died for some other reason, and you were left all alone. In middle
school, I worried about being sad and not knowing why I was sad,
being more socially anxious than I am now, wondering why I felt so
different and if things would ever change. Worrying about all the
crazy changes happening to your pubescent body, and the unbalanced
levels of hormones in your brain. And maybe the occasional worry
about what a particular boy thought of me, worrying about my
appearance and whether I was likeable and whether anyone would ever
“like like” me. In
high school, I worried about grades and college applications and what
I wanted to do with my life, if I would ever have all the necessary
skills to live on my own, not to mention many of the same worries
from middle school (boys, girls, friends, relationships, appearances,
and the inevitable social hierarchy of schools). There are very few
of these that I still worry about now, and for that, I am grateful
beyond words!
So I hope by now you're all convinced
that people of all ages have stress. What else plays a role? Well,
the things that younger people are stressed about aren't things they
can change easily. They have little to no choice in school, rapid and
awkward changes in their bodies, the social hierarchy, who they live
with, how they spend their time, and really most other aspects of
their lives. Being a kid sucks because for the most part, kids are
powerless.
Adults don't always have free choice
either. You need a job to pay rent, buy food, and have money, you
need to finish education to get a job, and you need money to get an
education, which is circular and difficult. Let's not even talk about
if you're married and have kids, in which case you have far more
obligations and I rest my case entirely. But you do still have a lot
more say. You get to decide what you want to study and what job you
want to have. Not all jobs make the same amount of money, but you get
to decide that too: how important is money to you? If it's very
important, you can be a programmer, a lawyer, a dentist or a doctor,
an engineer, or many other things – you still have a wide range of
choices for things that satisfy that value. If money is a lower
priority, maybe a passion like art is a higher one, and you'd rather
become a graphic designer knowing that you might have to live with
roommates, travel less, and watch your expenses more closely. You get
to choose your job, where to live, who to live with and spend time
with, and so so many other things! You lucky adult you, on your path
to the life of your own choosing. People forget how much say they
have in their lives. And often people lose track of their priorities,
and they work hard to get through med school because they think the
prestige of being a doctor is a top value for them, and eventually
they realize prestige won't make them happy and they have to
re-evaluate what they want out of life and work towards a new goal.
That happens. And it's unfortunate that we feel the pressure of other
people's expectations so highly that we study for jobs we don't
actually want, but in the end, it's on us to do a little
soul-searching and figure out what we really want to be doing with
our lives, because lucky us! We have the power to make those
decisions! Wow, that's awesome!
Despite spending a full page talking
about my various neuroses, I'm a fairly optimistic person, and the
point of this whole meandering post is really just to say: look,
you're an adult and you have responsibilities that are sometimes
stressful, but you have a lot to be thankful for. And would you
really rather be 13? No, I
didn't think so. So stop telling people younger than you that they
have it so good, and start appreciating what you have now that you
didn't have before! I believe my father when he says that every year
is better than the last, and every wrinkle is earned and not
regretted, and that is
how I want to live my life.
